30 August 2016

She's Not A "Best" Friend.

This post is hard to write. All I know is that I am hurt. I am sadden...

Over the past couple of weeks (months maybe...),  I've been in denial. I've been in denial over facing my feelings: I no longer want any sort of contact with my so-called best friend. Let's name her... Nina. I've literally stopped replying to all of her messages, from whatsapp to snapchat, and I've been a bit more colder in person.

Looking back, I think it is fair to say that there are a number of situations which left me with such a wrong impression of Nina. From the way she speaks about her friends, or speaks towards others, or gets herself involved in other people's business... we are just two completely different people now. 

Her actions towards others aside, I've realized that I learned to tolerate her "jokes" towards others and myself. Perhaps, at first, they were funny, I'll give her that. But, lately, thinking back to past and more recent "jokes", I realized that they were actual digs!

Whenever we would hang out wherever, she would make comments like, "oh, I hate when I get pimples, I look so ugly." Or use the pronoun "us" to not really single someone out in the group like, "omg, we look so ugly today!" But, she never held out a mirror looking at her reflection when saying these type of comments... She would either be looking at me, or the third or fourth friend hanging out with us that day, who just so happen to have a big pimple on their cheek that very same day... 

But, I never really took notice any of it until it was a comment directed towards me. She wanted to take photos at place with a beautiful spray-painted wall. I felt so pretty that day, and I was eager to get in a new Facebook profile picture. But, when posing and giving my best smile, she made a few comments, "Why are you giving a fake smile?"... "be pretty"... "can you smile better?"

This might not sound like a big deal to you, but this actually shot my confidence down... immediately.

I could no longer just smile in general the rest of the day. I remember snapping at her saying, "you can't tell me I'm fake smiling when I'm giving my best smile. Thanks for pretty much saying I clearly don't look good today." I remember her kind of laughing it off, which just made me so angry. And, she immediately told me go back so she can take a good picture. I just left. I honestly couldn't deal with it.

I spoke to others about the situation. Some were saying, "Common... that's just Nina. That's how she is." Well, if that's how she is, I really don't want to associate or be around someone who constantly brings my confidence down. I already struggle enough with my look because of my weight... I don't need someone to take what I love about myself, and tear it down and make it into an insecurity...

I'm sure you've noticed... my instagram is no longer even filled with selfies. And, when I do take a pic of myself (which is rarely), I am not even looking into the camera with a wide smile showing teeth...

You really cannot call someone a friend, let alone a best friend, if they are making you feel self-conscious and less confident about yourself... even if it is intentional or unintentional. I just don't want any part of it.

And, like I said, this situation may seem like nothing to you, but my sister likes to describe it as the straw that broke the camel's back.

She tried apologizing to me.... OVER WHATSAPP. But, it wasn't even a good apology... it was like she was justifying herself. 
"yo my bad man. I didnt mean to put yu on spot. I Gueninely just made a comment."
Word for word. Punctuation for punctuation. Spelling for spelling. What a great apology...

She's done shady things to me in the past. Like tell some of my secrets to some of her other friends, who joyfully bring it up to me as if I told them my story myself... And, she's told me serious secrets about her friends. I'm not even kidding... She once told me her friend tried to overdosed herself because of blah blah blah... what kind of friend does that? Someone come to you in confidence and you just sh*t all over that trust and broadcast it to others?

I could only image what others know about me.

I'm just over it. I no longer want to surround myself with people like her. I'm trying to live a positive life, and this is the first time I'm expressing my feelings out loud about this mess of a friendship. And, it feels great to get everything out of my system. Well, almost everything... there's are many things she's done that is way too long for this post. And, I refuse to write 10+ posts talking about it all.

I'm ready to start a new chapter, without her. 

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